(c) Apr 18 2001 RashiYomi Inc. MY COLLECTED & INDEXED MAIL JEWISH POSTINGS-Ver #1
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From: Russell Hendel <rhendel@saber.towson.edu>
Date: Sun, 14 Nov 1999 23:01:57 -0500 (EST)
Subject: RE: Leshon Hara and Shadchanim

I just wanted to add some comments to the excellent postings
on Shadchanuth and Leshon Hara  in recent issues (eg Volume 29,#99).

1. Is the shadchan responsible for poor criteria
To echo the cases discussed in V29n99, if a Yeshiva Bochur says he
only wants a non BT, and the shadchan says "But I know BT who have
been religious for 13 years and you can't tell they are BT" and the
bochor says "So they have a share in the next world but I don't want
to marry them"--then the Shadchan is NOT violating Leshon Hara if
he tells the bochur that certain girls are BT. In other words the
problem is with the bochor not the Shadchan

2. Is classification wrong when you don"t know the people
Obviously if the boys and girls "grew up" in the same
neighborhood for 10-20 years and everyone knows each other
it is wrong to "classify" people. But if a shadchan matches
people from far communities which the shadchan doesn't really
know then ALL the shadchan can go by on an initial assessment
are external classfication schemes.

3. Refocus on social events and criteria for marriage; not leshon hara
I would summarize the above two points by suggesting that the evils
of shadchanuth that have been discussed can not be remedied by only
observing leshon hara but rather can best be remedied by (a) continually
teaching children (from a young age) the true values that make a good
marriage and (b) by all Jewish communities carefully creating a wide
variety of social events where members of the opposite sex can meet with
dignity. (In passing one of Rebetzin Jungreis's stated goals in making
hineni several decades ago was exactly that).

In summary while I hear a great deal of anguish in these postings I
really think that the problems lie in poor values and lack of social
mixing opportunities in the community.

Russell Jay Hendel; Phd ASA rjhendel@juno.com
http://www.shamash.org/rashi